For some, it may be difficult for them to learn a lesson which others might regard as trivial. This is because we all come from different backgrounds and have different experiences which make us learn things at different rates than others. What may come easily for us may not come easily for others. Be kind to others, since everyone is fighting their own demons, and is trying to figure out different parts of their lives too, before moving on and learning other things which some may regard as ‘simple’.
I nearly went nuts the other day because I confronted someone who I thought had cut off ties with me. I think I was too obsessive with control.
The same with Stoicism. I was holding on to it very tightly. I was journalling, trying so hard to follow everything to a nub, and overexercising. All of which took a toll on my mental and physical health. I almost went mad.
Yesterday evening, I went for a walk. I haven’t done any cardio exercises of any kind for a very long time, therefore going for a walk felt refreshing. The fresh air, the cool breeze and the nice view really gave me this comfort I could never get from within the four walls of my bedroom. The four walls of my bedroom I keep myself confined in, in order to write obsessively.
I think what I need is balance. A balance between the two things. I shouldn’t have one thing more than the other. I just need a sufficient amount of everything. Not more. Not less.
I may need a hiatus. A short break from social media. I should refrain myself the very best I can from getting updates about anyone via social media. I should at least give this hiatus a try; start doing things for me, start focusing on me, and only use the internet when I need to get information that I could use to better myself.
I have wandering eyes… I need to fix it. I need to focus on one thing at a time. I need to have focus when it comes to my vision. I need to do one thing at a time. Gaining too much insight and too much information might lead to unhappiness as some information may be useless and would only take up space in my head.
I should sleep earlier during the night so I can get sufficient amount of sleep to function during the day. Also, a sufficient amount of sleep can ensure that my muscles are rested had I been working out previously. The resting period will give it ample amount of time to recover. A good night’s sleep may range from 7 to 8 hours per night. However, if I only manage to get around 6 hours, it may suffice. That said, I should try my best to achieve the optimum amount of hours for my sleeping-time.
I notice that it is hardest to resist doing a bad habit when the temptation is heightened. There was a tweet that I saw yesterday that irked me. My impulse to reply was so intense that I have to stop myself multiple times.
I typed and I deleted, typed and deleted, before I finally decided not to engage. I keep reminding myself that what anybody else thinks is none of my business. What anybody else does is none of my business. What anybody else believes in is also none of my business.
Digressing back, this urge to engage was so heightened, and at the height of the urge, if I resist it, I would have made actual ‘progress’.
From being engaged, to not being engaged.
To stop, and to stop, and to stop.
That is how you eliminate toxic behaviours in yourself.
I need to remember to take things one step at a time, I need to focus on what is in front of me and finally, trust the ‘process’.
Mother and I have been fasting in Syawal as part of puasa enam (fasting of 6 days). When I was done eating, I rose up and washed my dishes. I noticed that mother was still eating. The usual impulse would be to just go ahead and do my thing and not be bothered to accompany her until at least she is done eating. However, I picked a bekas kerepek (a type of snack) up and started eating beside her. I wanted to accompany her because I felt bad to just leave her there eating alone. She was the one who prepared the meal too. I notice this action and reflect on how on one occasion I saw mother eating fruit and not leave the table as my brother (who I feel mother overly-prioritizes). I wanted to do what she did for my brother but for her. I love her. I want to spend time for as long as I can with her, eventhough I may feel like she has never done this for me too. Or maybe, I was the one who has never noticed it? Mother has done a lot for her children. I want to do good things for her. I want to give her good things which she never got to have because she had mouths to feed and bills to pay. Sacrifice after sacrifice that she did, but nobody notices may have been done, but not in the way that I would ideally perceive it. It may be through my own weakness that I did not notice her sacrifices. She has been through a lot. Maybe, I should give her a break. Mama, if you are ever reading this, I love you so much and with all my heart. I wish all the happiness and joy you deserve in life.